Following on from GetFilmy’s fantastic Career Clinic, it is now @BethLovesBolly’s turn to take the hot seat – let’s hope our fabulous stars can take a note or two!
Kareena Kapoor Khan: You are better than the sensible but lackluster girlfriend of Salman. Demand more!
Katrina Kaif: It’s been a thrill not to see you this year. Hurry up and submit to Kapoor khandaan misogynistic guidelines for wives (and do not follow in the footsteps of your fellow non-Indian forbearer Jennifer Kendal).
Kangana Ranut: Just focus on acting and don’t squander or burn up the popular goodwill you still have from Queen and reinforced with Tanu Weds Manu Returns.
Priyanka Chopra: Seek out the most interesting, most demanding directors you can. You are so much better with them than you are in anything else.
Deepika Padukone: Keep on keepin’ on.
Alia Bhatt: If there is demand by producers etc to cutesy you beyond what the role really calls for, resist!
Aishwarya Rai Bachchan: Be the discriminating diva we know you can be.
Rani Mukerji: COME BAAAAAAAACK!
Shraddha Kapoor: Find something that distinguishes you from literally anyone else.
Anushka Sharma: Like Deepika, just keep doing what you’re doing because it’s pretty great these days!
Sonakshi Sinha: Invest in clone technology so that you can send You 2.0 to do these samey-samey crap films and Actual You can, like, go help out an NGO or something.
Mamu: [Is this Aamir? Why don’t I know this?] Calm down with the preachiness and just be an actor because you’re quite good at it.
Salman Khan: Go to prison like a good boy and donate funds to all the technicians who apparently will be starving to death without you actively in the industry.
Shah Rukh Khan: Be a villain again, keep challenging yourself (which I think you do pretty well – more than most), and keep a very firm hand on the relative uncleness in your films.
Akshay Kumar: [I haven’t seen any of his movies since…Special 26 I guess? But whatever he’s doing seems to work for him, so more power to him.]
Siddharth Malhotra: More softness!
Varun Dhawan: Keep diversifying but don’t overlook a good rom com.
John Abraham: * pats on head * I hope you’re happy doing whatever it is that you’re doing.
Abhishek Bachchan: MORE COMEDIES BUT MAKE SURE THEY’RE SMART ONES.
Ranbir Kapoor: You have always made (or capitalized on opportunities for) diverse choices, and this has served you brilliantly. But somehow Roy slipped past your (staff’s) judgement, so keep an eye on quality as well as characteristics. There might be something to be learned from Ranveer Singh for your persona – have more fun but relevantly so?
Shahid Kapoor: Is there a way to do an age-appropriate version of whatever it was that made you relevant in the first place?
Watch out for the third instalment which sees the dashing @BollyBrit take the reins – you won’t want to miss it!