Of The Dismal, the Delightful aka Deepika and the Unofficial Taz Adarsh Glossary
If Hindi Cinema is to receive a grade for the quarter gone by, then it gets a big fat D from me – money may talk but it is also destroying content with any old dreckitude tarted up, marketed to the hilt and lavishly mounted. Then, footfalls, occupancy and all India totals are prioritised whilst discussion and debate on content seems to have segued into a battleground for fan wars with loyal fanatics attacking each other and blowing everything out of context.
At least we had the actual films to comfort us, right? WRONG. Though the industry might be in rude health money wise with records continually being rewritten, the films were just plain dross. Krrish 3, Gori Tere Pyaar Mein, the second half of Bullet Raja and Dhoom 3 are all hours of my life lost to nothingness with only a song and scene here and there proving the journey made to see these films was worth it.
However, there was one shining beacon of hope in form of Deepika Padukone whose Goliyon ki Raasleela: Ram Leela was a multi-coloured beaded joy to behold. With a superhuman effort showing in every aspect of her performance, Deepika has won 2013 from every angle – critical acclaim, box office numbers, the best of projects being offered to her, endorsements and worldwide popularity. The most exciting thing? She is only just getting started.
And finally, this year has been a turbulent year for terminology. Back in the day, a golden jubilee or blockbuster meant just that – a film that had been running continuously for a set amount of time, had earned back its investment and yielded profits and was fondly regarded by all and sundry.But now, there seems to be no way to measure how well a film has done against its competitors or against historical hits.
Step forward then, the only man who can save us from this abyss of FOMO – the supermodel of trade analysts Taran Adarsh aka Taz. As I blind itemed in my previous quarterly, Taz knows the show business like no-one’s business and when you really want to know how well a film has done, look no further than his Twitter timeline for the truth you seek.
So I present to you the essential unofficial cheatsheet of our time:
THE UNOFFICIAL ALL TIME TAZ ADARSH BOX OFFICE TERMINOLOGY GLOSSARY
Box Office Statuses
Flop – The film didn’t recover its investment which Taz predicted + forewarned us of via all mediums but like a modern day Teresias, was ignored.
Average – The film will recover its investment but didn’t give props or gifts to our Taz so he is unable to big this film up and MUST play things by the oft neglected rule book.
Above Average – The film will recover slightly more than its investment but more importantly, sent Taz a box of jelabis (his faves FYI) so figures are slightly backcombed.
Hit – Film made all its money back and more, which took Taz by surprise but like Vivek Oberoi’s existence, this cannot be denied so Taz HAS to call it a hit instead of *hit (FYI, this is not shorthand for a superhit).
Super Hit – In the profit zone, sent Taz a box of jelabis AND an invite to the premiere with a plus one.
Blockbuster – Rolling in money, sent box of jelabis, invite, a promotional T-shirt AND Taz’s tweets were retweeted on Twitter by the stars of the film without the stars being paid/forced to.
BLOCKBUSTER – As above but Taz is feeling the vibe on this one yo so out come the caps.
ALL TIME BLOCKBUSTER – Too much money has been made, Taz is the new freaking face of Panache and shit is about to get real.
ATBB – As above but sent from Taz’s iPhone on the go.
ALL RECORDS SHATTERED – Taz physically smashes a coconut, a box of records and his bangle adorned wrists against a wall (preferably in a public house of worship) in that order – and gets the intern to update all records.
HISTORY REWRITTEN – OMFG, history in the making and Taz is at the forefront of it all! Ruminate on that bitches!
ALL TIME GROSSER – Taz will BRB with the all important *lifetime* business total but is currently driving round Bombay in the new car he was “gifted” in honour of the film’s success – all calls straight to voicemail.
Openings at the box office terminology
DULL – Taz told you this would happen.
STRICTLY AVERAGE – Doing better than Taz expected – darn it!
FLYING START – Taz was right so bow down bitches.
SUPERB – Taz wants to be part of this gang but the kambakht hipsters be a cock blocking.
EARTH SHATTERING – More shoving than usual at the ticket window but Taz went to the premiere y’all. #reservedseating
HISTORIC – Taz may have to get to the nearest Wi Fi point to google some shit.
TIDAL WAVE – Taz’s email inbox is swelling by the HOUR.
TYPHOONIC – Taz needs a lie down whilst the intern is despatched for chai and jelabis. Those figures can wait till some other analyst does the math.
Fashion Round Up
Fashionista of the Quarter: Anaita Shroff Adajania
Because quite simply, any successful high fashion moment can be traced back to ASA. For the longest time, styling has not been given its due in the Hindi cinema cosmos and to some extent, still is not seen as a top priority but that is fast changing thanks to this celebrity stylist and fashion director of Vogue India. Whether it is Aishwarya’s hawt hawt look in Dhoom 2 or Deepika and Diana in Cocktail (dungarees with a fishtail braid? Patialas with a sweatshirt? DPad’s sequin paloooza with lion mane hair? ALL TIME AMAZEBALLS) ASA brings the fierce to the big screen each time. But it is in her natural habitat that she excels – Vogue India covers. Just check out Katrina’s most recent cover which sees a much needed variation of hairstyle and fashion pedigree thoughtfully applied.
But back to phillums – look what she did with Kat’s look in Dhoom 3 which was part boho chic part Vegas show girl (I obvs preferred the Vegas show girl in this context – big hair and embellished bustiers FTW). Otherwise we would have totes lost Kat in all those twists and turns the film had.
Also, can we recall Race 2 for a moment (not for too long mind) in the same breath and how the styling gave DPad + Jacqs all the presence that the script didn’t?
Plus, she has been the mastermind behind DPad’s superb run on the red carpet in the best year of her career.
All hail ASA.
And in a very obvious bigging up of the self, here are the other three fashionistas of each quarter of 2013 that I picked earlier in the year who are still werking it.
Bebo in black and gold.
And of course, D-Pad, who shines in even a stamp sized image.
Top Films of 2013
Despite my grumblings, there were a few films which stood out from the glut of nonsense that we were subjected to in 2013. So if you were on Mars or (wisely) decided to give Hindi cinema a miss this year (though if you watched Man of Steel instead, then serves you right), here are the films I feel you need to see to be in the know and to prep you for 2014.
Yeh Jawani Hai Deewani – Totally worth pulling a sickie for, this was a breath of fresh air – an inexhaustible soundtrack, gorgeous visuals and an entertaining film – exactly what we needed. Read my review here.
Lootera – Someone crushed valium and put it in Ranveer’s doodh (milk) to delightful effect plus this has Sonakshi’s best performance to date – all very lovely and I look forward to watching it again soon. Read my review here.
Goliyon Ki Raasleela: Ram Leela – Ranveer back on the energy drinks dusting out his dandruff was fab but I only had eyes for Deepika who performed like the rent was due and left us reeling. Read my review here.
The Lunchbox – Worth the hype, I caught this at the London Film Festival and absolutely loved it. NRI’s, make room for it in your schedule next year! Read my review here.
Bombay Talkies – Another one that I went to great lengths to watch, this was a perfect snapshot of the path modern Hindi cinema can take if it wants to. Read my review here.
So 2013 certainly paled in comparison to 2012 but there is no reason why 2014 cannot raise the stakes once more. With some interesting films to look forward to and a refreshing lack of sequels, threequels and franchises not on the horizon (he says not checking the release calendar), fingers crossed for some smashing cinema next year.
Till then, Happy New Year dear readers and as always, feel free to chime in whether you agree, disagree or just want an excuse to type HIGHEST GROSSER EVER somewhere – it’s what Taz would do!